My Vice Is My Own Mind

Every now and then I go through phases where I feel like my mind is split in two.

I have my everyday mind which I’m guessing is much like everyone else’s. This is the version of me that you all know and see on a daily basis.

My mind generally consists of 

Lists

It’s full of lists of things that I need to do so many lists for food house work jobs.

Kids

Full of things that the kids have done or haven’t or need to. Everything that they need.

Plans 

Lots and lots of plans for the future. This is the favourite part of my mind. All the plans that I have for the future.

Worries

We all have lots of little worries from money to health to what we will have for dinner tomorrow or how we are going to get through the ironing pile.

 

Then my other side

I have moments when I find myself sinking deep into my own mind, and every tiny little thing seems to take on more meaning than it ever has before.

I will listen to certain songs and it will all of a sudden make me feel like I’m not making the most of my life. That I’m allowing the most precious times slip by without capturing a memory of it or taking advantage of it.

In these moments I crave to travel to the deepest darkest parts of the country side and surround my self in silence with just the thoughts in my own mind. I Feel at peace in the woods like it’s where I’m meant to be.  I just want to pack my little family up and isolate them from the world and have them just to myself and not share them with anyone.

 

 

I hate packing the children off to school, resent the time that the teachers are having with them that I’m not. Once I have them home I can’t wait to breathe them in.

Social media irritates me and people’s tiny problems make me want to scream at the screen that in the grand scheme it really doesn’t matter.

I also begin to feel terribly sorry for myself and any heart ache I have had is felt ten fold.

When these moments happen I can’t find comfort in happiness I need to go into myself hence why my vice is my own mind. I become trapped in a vortex of everything having a greater meaning than anyone else can see. I can’t comprehend how people can just carry on day-to-day with a mundane life. I feel trapped I want to know what true freedom feels like.

 

I have always been an unusual girl.

These feelings terrify me to a point where I can’t even talk about it and I feel an inner madness that dizzies me.

I have a war in my mind I know how I should be how I should act and on the whole I believe I conform to society well. I don’t always feel like it’s the real me though and would people still accept me if they saw this side on a more frequent basis?

I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy so guess I wrote this down and put it out there to see if anyone else is similar to me or if im alone in my mind?

I want to make my life into a work of art, I believe in the person I want to become I want to make a life for myself where I’m in touch with all my fantasies and create a life where I can experience them.

people will say they understand that life makes them feel this way but I really don’t think they do. They can’t understand exactly what I feel. That would be impossible.

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