Today I lost my temper. And it wasn’t because any of the kids were being really naughty. It was because I was tired, exhausted to be precise. I had a million things on my mind and well the silly behaviour tipped me over the edge.
All Elijah wanted to do was hold Reuben’s hand and Reuben didn’t want to.
Neither one of them were wrong for their feelings or actions. Me making Reuben feel guilty for not holding his brothers hand. I was in the wrong. I lost my temper for something so silly because I was tired.
Elijah was sad because Reuben wouldn’t hold his hand.
Of course he was but in stead of consoling him I was angry at him for not walking up the road a little faster. I was angry because he was making people look. I was angry because I felt awful and I just didn’t have the time to stop everything and talk to him. And I needed to pick Seth up.
Grace hadn’t said a word hadn’t done anything and I was still angry at her.
And all of this was because I was tired and I was stressed. And as the adult I should of hidden it better. I should of kept my cool better. I should of seen the silly little bickering for what it was and stopped it in the tracks and kept the situation calm. As thats my job as the adult as the parent I should be able to do that.
Guess what though.
Im not perfect just because I am the grown up doesn’t mean I know how to handle everything. I don’t always have my stuff together. Being tired effects me just as much as it does the kids and I lost it.
Not in a huge dramatic way but I certainly made things a lot worse before I made them better.
Once we got home after quite a few more snaps from myself. The kids had already forgot it, they were playing together amazingly and eating biscuits (their favourite past time). I couldn’t forget though. I had that horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach that just made me feel like the worst mother.
And that is easily the worst part of being the parent beating your self up about things that the kids have already forgotten.
Putting them to bed I still felt bad and I think they thought I had gone a little crazy as I told them twenty times that I loved them more than they could ever know.
Then I vowed to myself that I would never let my stresses or tiredness effect them again. That I would do better to hold it all together for them as I’m the grown up and thats what I should be able to do.
I think we all know with the best intentions I’m still going to have another day like this in the future. It may not be for a while it may be tomorrow and thats because we are not perfect and emotions are normal and get the better of us sometimes.
All I can do is make sure that every single night they are tucked up knowing that I love them more than anything in the world and everyday is a new day.